With the imminence of his or her emminence, it’s time to turn to bottoms. Mme North informs me that Number 3 is definitely mine – it’s got a big booty and it likes to shake it now and again. Me, I’m not so sure. I think that bump might be it’s head or something equally delicate. But definitely not its bot.

Of course, Number 3 is already a consumer. Not a particularly choosey one on the ethical front, but I can forgive a being that, while technically sentient, isn’t yet legal. Or, therefore, capable of independent judgement in these affairs. So, we’ll help it on its way – bottom first.

It seems that, after some research, Mme North has settled (so to speak) on nappies (diapers to our sepctic friends). And these are the chosen brand. http://www.bumgenius.com/. I rather like the name, even if it brazenly associates brain power with thrutching (they love their onomatopoeias in Yorkshire, I must say).

We’re warned off resusables, but it doesn’t seem right that a newborn baby’s first contribution to the world is to create a mountain of s**t encased in 400 years’ worth of environmental impact. So, Number 3, you may not yet be in a position to make decisions, to differentiate right from wrong, but the least we can do is help you on your way.

Backside first.