I sleep terribly. That’s not to say I spend long, dark hours alone and staring at nothing. Instead, I go to bed shattered (especially after some days commuting by bike) and fall asleep quickly and heavily. 

The duvet feels like a dead weight. It bunches between me and her, forcing a divide and solitude. The mattress feels hard, too soft, lumpen and pan flat. The pillows bunch and tip my head forward or sideways or not sideways enough or too far back. 

I wake regularly and sharply, dragged from sleep by terrifying dreams and the most vividly unpleasant sights behind my eyelids. Turning over does nothing to bring calm. And then I notice the back of my head and neck are numb.

Morning arrives before the alarm clock, but the weight of deep sleep drags my eyes closed and makes me fear rising. Eventiually, I concede to the incessant shrieking of the alarm and lie there wishing it were night again. 

I rise, exhausted, and often late. Dressing to ride or showering before the irregular drive, I feel the pressure of time. The clock is ticking and I can’t dawdle. 

I spend all my time daydreaming of sleep peacuful and calm.